I was listening to an interview with Kurt Cobain the other day, and in it he talks about his anger. He tells a story explaining how he lets his voice come from his stomach .. giving his music that distinct sound to it. Cobain then goes on to say that doctors always find a red irritation on his stomach, which Kurt says is from his anger. He goes on to say, “I’m always in pain, too, and that really adds to the anger in our music. It really does. I’m kind of grateful for it in a way.”
I could totally relate to this.
This fall, I started to feel sick again. When I say sick I don’t mean ‘a little under the weather,’ but I started to experience the debilitating exhaustion, muscle fatigue, loss of concentration, and anxiety that I had previously experienced when I first was diagnosed with mono. Of course this was scary to me because what followed after was the hardest year of my life, constantly battling with my health.
This sickness in my body that caused me (and still does cause me) so much pain has been also a huge source of gratitude, just like Kurt’s pain both physically and emotionally.
I believe our emotions are tied to our physical state as well. This is why it came as no surprise to me that after I had almost completely abandoned my spiritual practice of meditating, praying, journaling, yoga, etc.. the anger and anxiety started to come back first. My compassion dwindled to pretty much nothing. I gave up healthy eating in favor of more beer and french fries. What followed next was the next logical thing, and that was the suffering of my external health as well as emotional wellbeing.
My mom has been my biggest supporter in helping me navigate this new life i’ve had to create for myself because of how sick I have been. She goes with me to each doctor appointment, which is saying a lot because nowadays there are multiple per week, if not per day. With the help of my mom, we found a holistic doctor who works with patients just like me.
After an extensive amount of testing and blood tests, the doctors finally explained to me what was happening. Finally I have an answer to why I have been feeling so sick. I am currently on an elimination diet for a month, and then will transition over to the lifestyle plan. I take prescribed supplements that are tailored specifically for my needs. Already I can see a huge impact on my mental clarity and physical wellbeing…
I finally have returned to my blog. I picked up my favorite yoga and spirituality magazines and allowed myself to actually soak up all the good information within them. I’ve been treating my body so nicely I have restored respect for my body and soul once again. I missed meditating so much i’ve done 30 minutes of it each day..only to want to do more!
I’m grateful for the symptoms that urged me to return to what I love. This time around I must take care of myself in the highest and greatest way I know how because one day I will be teaching people how they can heal as well. I know that my struggle will benefit others later in my life, and this is simply another teaching experience from the Universe.
With that i’ll share a prayer from Yoga Journal that I recited after my home practice today:
“Giving thanks to the Spirit within and beyond, I ask for continued strength as I walk this path of healing. May I grow more compassionate, empathetic, and loving, not in spite of my grief, loss, and experience, but because of them. Thank you, Spirit, for my life, because it is, and will continue to be, truly blessed. May I never take a single moment for granted. May I honor this and all moments as sacred and trust the process of healing. May it teach me well as I surrender to the truths revealed and open my heart to love more widely and boldly than I ever imagined possible.”